I think of myself as a fairly self-aware person, who can make intellectual, logical decisions even in the midst of situations I'm very involved in. I'm not saying that's inherently a good thing, I'm just saying that's how I am.
Until I get sick. Then I shift into a very primal, animal survival mindset. Everything is about spending the minimum amount of energy necessary. Shuffling around with my head down isn't slouchy, just efficient. The cool side of the bathtub is a great place to rest if I'm a little feverish and barfy - why walk all the way back to my (not cool) bed when I'll probably be back in here in an hour? Hell, no, I'm not going to engage you in polite small talk - I'm a crazy actor, performing while sick, and I need every scrap of energy to pull off the show tonight. I'll be nice again sometime later.
In the same way, when I'm completely healthy, nothing can really faze me. No job? Whatever, I'm a plucky, resourceful chap, I'll find one. Rude people? Ah, sir, I pity your small-mindedness. You see, I feel good, and therefore am on a plane beyond the ordinary.
Most of life happens between those two extremes. So, little, chemical things can have a real, predictable, and significant effect on my personality. A little caffeine brings me up to full activity level. A hit from an inhaler allows me to think about things other than just breathing. After a couple drinks, I won't dance on the bar or anything, but I might tell you that personal story I'm normally too reserved to.
Lately I've been very aware of people around me, and the ways they rely on chemicals to get through the day. The commuters who have a cigarette in their mouth and a lighter in their hand before they're even off the bus. My friend who needs a little pot to get to sleep every night. The guys who aren't having fun until they're drunk. Or from my own life, back when my job was so bad that I was becoming a "have a beer after work" person.
I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. On one hand, we are these meaty lumps of biochemistry, and this stuff (caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, etc.) WORKS. It's predictable and reliable. On the other hand, at what point does it become a substitute for dealing with underlying issues? Maybe I can't sleep because there's simply too much in my life, and I'd be better off clearing out the clutter. Maybe I can't wake up because I'm staying up too late with whatever silly hobby I've got going on. Maybe a drink after work means I need a different job. Maybe my party's no fun without booze because my friends are boring people (or, scarier, I'm boring).
And does it matter? Should ALL of these self-prescribed chemicals have some kind of socially acceptable dosage? Does it depend on the problem we're solving with them, or should we all be living some sort of pure wholesomeness and avoid them all entirely, and face our problems head-on? I'm not sure I'm that brave. Why do we have the dividing lines between OK and not OK where they are?
